Before the Lights Come On
by Gravity Eyes
Summary: Bella and Edward have known each other since birth. Best friends. But while each deals with their new feelings for the other, can they grow to an understanding? AH/AU. RATED M FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not sure if I want to continue this. If I do, I'm gonna need a LOT of motivation. I'll continue if I get reviews telling me to :)**

**Anyway, this is kind of an experimental fic because I wanted a darker, edgier side to Bella and Edward, who belong to Twilight, which I don't own. I wanted Bella's innocence, and Edward's feelings of being a monster and a bad person to stay the same though. So here we go :)**

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There had never been a time she hadn't loved him.

Since she was a small baby, he had been her protector, her friend; something of a big brother to her. When her parents screamed abuse each night, it was him she'd call. When she fell off her bike and skinned her knees, it was him she asked for.

The night her mother died, he held her and wiped her eyes and brushed her hair back and cooled her face. When she finally slept, she whispered his name.

Bella's love for Edward had started off as the love that a sister might have for a brother. Later on, she loved him as a friend. Then a crush. But now...

She was cruel to herself. She thought about him every hour of everyday. She dreamed about him. He was all she thought of, and the cruelty in it was that she knew it was one sided.

She had seen the girls. Dark haired, delicate beauties, dancing into his bedroom and dancing back out again. She envied them in every way possible. They were outgoing and mysterious and smelled of smoke and sandalwood. They captured Edward's heart when she couldn't.

Bella was at his house so often, she may as well have lived there. Her clothes were thrown around the flat, and her toothbrush was in the holder in the bathroom, and the juice that only she liked was in the fridge.

Laying on the couch, watching Amelie, she could hear Edward and the last girl faintly. She hummed softly to herself and tapped her fingernails against the coffee table until she heard the click of the bedroom door and saw the girl step out, smoothing her wild hair. She looked up suddenly, right into Bella's eyes.

"Who the hell are you?"

Bella blinked and sat up. "I'm Bella."

The girl swore softly, pulling out a ciggarette and lighting it before strolling out the door.

When she heard the shower start, Bella lay back down to finish watching her movie.

A few moments later, she heard Edward's voice calling her from his bedroom. She got up and gently pushed open the door.

Edward stood at the window in just a pair of dark wash jeans, towelling his bronze hair.

"You staying tonight?" He asked in his calm, level voice.

"If that's ok?" Bella still felt shy about staying overnight at Edward's place. She had known him since birth, but she still felt bad when she didn't arrange things first.

Edward chuckled, tossing his damp towel over the desk chair, shaking his disheveled bronze hair.

"Bella, you're my best friend. You don't need to send me a letter to formally ask me to stay over or anything." He had the same conversation with her every time she stayed over, but each time made him smile as he watched her blush and hide behind her hair.

"Yeah, I know. But one day you're gonna get sick of me being here all the time, and-"

"Not possible." He pulled her into a hug, lifting her off her feet.

Secretly, she breathed in the scent of his skin, but smelt the other girl on him still. She pulled away and made herself comfortable back on the couch as Edward pulled on a black shirt.

He made coffee (he still made the best coffee she had ever tasted) and she tried to concentrate on the movie, but her mind kept wandering back to that girl...

_Who the hell are you?_

_I'm Bella..._

"Bella, I know you saw her come out of my room, like the others." Bella nearly choked on her drink. It was unlike Edward to broach this subject. In fact, they had never spoken about the girls that came in and out his room.

"Okay," she replied in a small voice, looking down at the last few sips of her coffee, wishing they could talk about anything other than this.

"And I..." Edward paused, trying to find words. He pulled at a lose thread on the hem of his shirt.

Bella didn't want to hear any of it. She didn't want to hear what he did with them, or feelings he had for them, or any identification of who these women were. But she was his friend. She was so close to him, she felt his pain as her own. She knew he had to talk about it.

She swatted his hand away before he unraveled his shirt. "You what?"

He let out his breath in a gust that tingled against her face. "I don't want you to think less of me because of it."

Bella watched his eyes dart around the room.

"I don't," she replied firmly. "I really don't."

"I mean, it's just that when I-"

"Edward, you don't need to explain it to me. I don't judge you for it." she spoke softly, her voice barely reaching him at the other end of the sofa. "I'd be a pretty crap friend if I did."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Bells." He looked up and smiled, making her heart leap in her chest.

She smiled back before turning off the movie and washing their mugs out. "You'd probably drown in all the goddamn dishes. Do you seriously ever clean anything around here?" Bella wrinkled her nose, spotting a crunchy looking bowl.

"You're here often enough," Edward laughed. "Why don't youclean them?"

Edward watched her push his cat, Sweeney, away with her foot. "I clean pretty much everything else in this house, Ward. Including my own dishes."

Edward made a high pitch mimic of her scolding him, earning a smack with the wet tea towel.

"I am _so _hungry," Bella complained, glad she and Edward were back to how they were before. She grabbed her stomach and groaned as it grumbled.

Edward laughed and shrugged. "Well, I don't know, B. If I'm gonna get us some food, I'll need somebody to do those dishes. Don't want ecolon or anything."

Bella snorted. "Eco_li_, genius. And God, you're an ass sometimes, Ed."

"But you love me anyway, right?" Edward pulled a cheesy grin.

"No. I'm about ready to knock you unconscious with the remote, roll you under the couch with my foot and let the goddamn cat slowly devour your facial features."

"Well, I love you," He smiled, making her heart jump again. "Come on, B. Let's blow this joint and get some Chinese." Edward stood up and jingled his keys.

Bella laughed softly, grabbing her coat and shoes.


	2. Chapter 2

**So uhh... I got quite a few author and story alerts, two reviews and even a favourite, which I was pretty darn chuffed about. Thus, I have decided to continue.**

**Just don't go expecting me to update every day, or even every few days. Even every week is pushing it.**

**I've gotten Twilight drunk, but I still don't own it, men.  
**

**Oh, and did I forget to mention that I suck at paragraphing? I suck at paragraphing. So, there you have it.**

_Shaking my teeth loose on your table  
The dullest white squares I'll never be  
Now that you've picked each one apart you can't look at me  
I'll probably lose you now  
But at least the ones I have still sparkle_

- Grace - Dear and the Headlights -

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Edward was already in bed, half asleep, when he heard the front door creak slowly open.

He sat bolt upright, his heart pounding, straining to hear. Then he heard the familiarly gentle clicks of her ankles and the brush of hair on skin, and relaxed.

Bella sometimes came to his place in the early hours of the morning to get some item or another, or just use his coffee machine. She slept so erratically and infrequently, that three in the morning may as well have been three in the afternoon to her. All the same, she tried to stay quiet as she flicked on the coffee machine and seated herself in the dimly lit lounge.

"You'd better be making one for me too, B." Edward tried to sound angry but couldn't pull it off, sliding out of bed and into some clothes.

As much as he'd like to hide the fact, he liked being awake at night with Bella when everybody else was asleep. They had their best conversations at that time, and any time he was with Bella, he was happy.

"I think you have birds in your apartment," Bella said absently, stirring sugar into her coffee as Edward stepped out of his room and turned on the space heater.

"Birds?" Edward replied, confused.

"Yeah. One of them has left a nest on your head."

"You're funny," he answered in an amazed voice. She rolled her eyes and flopped onto the couch, her coffee spilling slightly over the edges of the cup.

"So, has he rung yet?" Bella asked, watching Edward's reaction carefully.

"Has who rung yet?" He knew the answer.

"My dad. Has my dad called?" Bella also knew the answer: no.

"Not since last time," Edward sighed. Bella's father was a nice guy; he loved his daughter and wanted to look out for her, but his new wife Sue wasn't so keen on Bella.

Bella nodded. She looked neither sad nor angry, which scared Edward slightly. "Ok then." She put her now empty mug on the table and picked up the remote, switching the tv on.

Bella grinned when she realized what was on: back-to-back episodes of Spongebob Squarepants. Edward groaned and threatened to go back to bed.

"Aww come on, Edward. I haven't seen you in at least... nine hours! Nine whole hours! I know you've missed me." She smiled at him.

"Yeah, I have," He replied seriously, before realizing she was joking.

_Shit._

Bella gazed at him with wide eyes before shaking her head and looking away. "Sure you have. More like, you missed my iPhone and all the apps on it."

Edward chuckled, but felt the sudden urge to tell her exactly _how_ much he missed her, whenever she wasn't there, whenever she was around the corner, out of sight.

_But never out of mind._

"I really did miss you, you know," He said, scratching the back of his arm.

Butterflies erupted from the cocoons that lined her stomach, and she gave a small, uncertain laugh. "I missed you too."

**--------**

It was clear to Edward now, more than ever, that she was way, _way _too good for him.

Just the way she lay on the sofa reading, wriggling her toes. Or the way she considered her subject before capturing them with her camera, or paintbrush. Or the way she frowned and wrinkled her nose at cold gusts of wind on the streets.

Edward had always known Bella's innocence; how pure and captivating she was. She was the reason he made friends with brunettes, just to sleep with them. He could pretend, for that time, that they were Bella, and Bella wasn't the amazing person she was. That he, low and monstrous as he was, deserved her in some way.

He knew she felt something more for him than friends felt for each other. It was becoming apparent; every sneaky glance she stole, every smile she hid behind her hair when he said something flattering to her. But all the same, she was untouchable, and misguided in her interest for him.

That was why he had to stop this. All of it. He had to cut back on her. She was like an addictive substance he had to wean himself off. And she had to wean herself off him, too. He didn't want her to fall for somebody so much less than her.

So the next time she knocked on his door, he was ready. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys.

"Sorry, Bells, I was just off to a friend's place. See you later?"

"Oh, right, sure," She smiled.

The time after that, he pinched his cheeks, rubbed at his hair and scrunched up a few tissues in his hand.

"Sorry, Bells, I've got the flu or something," He coughed dramatically.

She rolled her eyes but gave him a hug before leaving.

The next time, he had some friends over. They could be heard yelling and laughing from his doorway.

"Sorry, Bells, the guys just came round, and I'd feel pretty bad... I mean, you don't really know each other, so y'know. Wouldn't want to make things awkward."

She sighed, perhaps finally seeing what he was doing.

She tried nearly every day to see Edward, but every time he had an excuse, and every time her expression intensified in hurt, embarrassment and anger.

Yet the day after, she was back again, a small, flat brown paper parcel tucked under her arm.

"Sorry, Be-"

"You say 'sorry Bells' one more time, and I swear to God, you will never see me here, or anywhere else, again." Her face was red with fury, and her eyes were large with tears.

He didn't know what to say, so he just stood awkwardly, crossing his arms and leaning on the door frame.

"But I guess that's what you want anyway, right? Maybe I should just do you that service and stay out of your life. Huh? Isn't that what you want?" The tears spilled from her large, doe-like eyes and she brushed them away, embarrassed.

"No, of course it's not. I just... I really am sorry. I... I _have_ been busy..." He said lamely, staring at his bare feet.

"Save your bullshit excuses, Edward Cullen. I've known you as long as I've lived. I've become pretty pro at figuring out when you're lying." She dropped the package at his feet, turned around and left.

He watched her leave, but he didn't know what to say to keep her with him. She shouldn't be with him anyway, he tried to tell himself. She surely had to realize how bad he was for her?

_This is for the best._

He put the package on his table and gently tore the wrapping off.

Inside was a framed picture of them on the day Edward had turned nineteen. They were at Edward's parents' house. Bella was clinging onto his back, arms around his neck and legs around his waist, laughing wildly while he pulled a mock-pained face, pretending she was hurting him.

_Strange how now, I'm the one hurting her, and this time it's for real._

The glass was shattered from when she had dropped it.

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**Here's an order: all of you, RIGHT NOW, go and read Progress by 107yearoldvirgin. Dayum, that girlie's crazy awesome.**

**And also, The Shoobie by thenoob. Only one chapter, but I'm already hooked. Review thenoob to make her update :D  
**

**-GE  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**How super happy am I for all the alerts and favourites? I'm as happy as a horse eating a marzipan banana! (What's marzipan? I just like the word.)**

**HOWEVER. Let me be obnoxious and say that I need reviews! I need to know what you want from this story! You see, I have the GENERAL plot all done. But I kind of need some things to go into the story. Little things that Bella and or Edward can do together or apart during the chapters.**

**If I owned Twilight, It'd be under the Imperius curse so that I could make it my bitch.  
**

_Putting on your makeup everyday before he wakes up  
So he could stomach your face now easier than he could without.  
Yeah, this is love  
This is all that you could want.  
Open equals heavier._

- Grace - Dear and the Headlights -

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"Hey, you've reached Bella. Congratulations. If you leave a message, I'll get back to you with your medal."

_Beep._

"Bella, it's Edward again. Look, I know you're not answering your phone because... I did wrong, ok? I'm admitting that to you now. We both know how hard that is for me, because of my big head and inflated ego and all that other shit. It's been weeks... can you _please, please _call me back? I miss you." Edward hung up with a sigh, just as somebody knocked at the door.

"It's open," he yelled from his position on the couch.

"When isn't it," a deep voice replied as the door opened. Edward looked over the back of the couch to see James, one of his high school friends whom he had always loathed. Unfortunately, James didn't realize that Edward wasn't quite as enthusiastic in said friendship as James was.

"Oh. Hi, James." Edward sat up, rubbing a hand on the nape of his neck.

James helped himself to a beer from the fridge and threw himself opposite Edward on the sofa. "How's it goin', Eddie?" James laughed obnoxiously.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's-" Another knock at the door interrupted a thankful Edward. This time, he got up to answer it, glad to be away from James if only for a moment.

The last person he expected to see was Bella.

"Um," was all he could say.

"Um, yourself," she said, smiling slightly.

"Bella. Bella! Hi! I'm so glad to see you!" Edward drew her into a bear hug, laughing.

Bella laughed too. "Well, hello. I'm glad to see you too."

"Come in!" He exclaimed, his voice raising half an octave. He coughed, turning red, before pulling her into the lounge room...

And straight into James.

"Oh!" She yelped as her forehead hit James' shoulder.

James grinned at Edward, shaking his eyebrows. "Forgive me," he addressed Bella slyly. "I didn't know Edward was expecting a visitor."

Edward was disgusted. James made no attempt to hide the fact that he was staring at Bella's chest with slightly bulging eyes.

"Oh. Um..." Bella pulled her cardigan a little tighter around herself, feeling self-conscious. "I uh, I wasn't staying long, so..."

"Oh no, please. Do stay. I was just leaving, but I hope we meet again soon. I'm James, by the way," James said, taking Bella's hand in his and kissing it, all the while still staring up at her with that strange grin on his face. As he left, Bella stared hard at the floor, her hair partially covering her glowing red face.

"Sorry, Bella. James is what you might call gaucherie. If I had my way, he wouldn't know where I live." Edward pulled her into another quick hug, registering the discomfort she felt from this encounter.

"S'ok. I probably should have called or something," she said with a wave of her hand, accidentally knocking a lampshade and evoking a chuckle from Edward. As she picked it up from the floor, her eyes stayed on Edward.

"What?" he asked with a laugh.

"Your hair grows so quickly, E. You need a haircut." Her tiny feet tread their way to the kitchen, where she pulled the pair of sharp scissors out of a drawer that she reserved for cutting hair.

Edward sat in one of the uncomfortable, but all the same familiar, chairs in the dining room. _This is the reason why I have my meals on the sofa. Ouch.  
_

Bella stood behind him, lightly placing her hands on his shoulders. He could see the glisten of the scissor blades, and smell the sweet, forest smell that was purely Bella.

"I don't want to get hair on your clothes..." she said softly, tugging on the sleeve of his shirt. He quickly pulled the black t-shirt over his head and threw it to the floor, cool air hitting him.

Bella began in a familiar pattern. _Spray, comb, snip, repeat. _For some reason he could not comprehend, Bella loved to cut his hair. She took any opportunity. But even her hairdressing couldn't keep his unruly hair compliant for long.

Her ankle brushed his. Her hands slid over his shoulders, brushing away the fallen strands. Her hair swept against his cheek. She occasionally pushed gently at his arm, indicating he turn a little closer to her.

When she reached the front, she kneeled down before him and stared up at him with her large brown eyes. Edward's stomach felt like it was housing a flock of birds, that flew into his throat whenever her eyes met his.

Bella's pale hand reached out and held his chin still as she cut the rest of his hair. When she was done, she didn't offer a mirror to him. She didn't need to. He knew she'd done it the way she liked, the way he always kept his hair, and that was fine by him. Her hand remained on his face, her eyes remained on his, and the birds inside him continued to soar.

_Time has either sped up or slowed down_, Edward thought with a small part of his brain. The rest of his brain was urging him forward, which he did, millimeter by millimeter, losing himself in the sepia pools of her eyes. She bit her lip softly, making Edward's breath hitch.

Suddenly, before either of them had time to question themselves, or question why they should or shouldn't, their lips touched and instantly their blood started to boil. Bella dropped the silver scissors to the floor, where they clattered open and scratched the polished wood. Both her hands were now on Edward's face, whereas Edward's hands were winding their way through her russet curls, sliding up and down her back. He slid off his chair and onto the floor with her, keeping their lips locked, his hands on the small of her back, pressing her to him.

They curled into each other, their bodies melting in the places they knew so well and had always secretly hoped fit together. They had envisioned the moment so thoroughly in their minds that the moment was just another faucet of their reveries.

But the moment came, as Edward knew it must, when it had to end. _Everything has an end, _his mind whispered to him.

As they pulled apart with a gasp, Edward sincerely hoped this wasn't the end of his friendship with Bella, for how could he continue on, knowing how right holding her, kissing her, loving her felt?


	4. Chapter 4

**I appologise HUGELY for how late I am with this, and how short it is. I wrote the whole thing, and then FORGOT TO SAVE IT.**

**AARGH.**

**And also, there are maybe another.. six chapters to go? Just a heads up for you.  
**

**But I'll make this very clear right now: you readers need to review and tell me what's good and what's not!**

**I have no idea what I'm doing lol! I keep making boring stuff happen because I need to fill in chapters before stuff happens, y'know?**

**So purdy ploise review constructively!**

Hold your hand out palm side up  
Open, empty, light enough  
Minutes all turn to months  
This is one thing we have all learned  
Equations always make up a sum  
But it doesn't add up

- Grace - Dear and the Headlights -

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**EPOV**

To say that it was awkward for the next week was an understatement. Bella stayed at my place for a few days, but the air was full of tension: sexual and otherwise.

We didn't talk about the kiss, and we didn't get too close to each other. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself to be so close to her without embarrassing myself further, and by the blush that spread life wildfire across her cheeks and collarbone when I was nearby, I sensed that she felt the same way.

But on Thursday, while she was out (she had insisted on grocery shopping for me) and I was busy with my biannual kitchen clean-out and a cold, all my frustrations burst out of me at once. Not even Norah Jones' cd, drifting lazily out of the stereo, could calm me as I threw a fit to rival a two year old.

Except two year olds probably didn't know as many swear words as I did.

I kicked out angrily at the counter, and swore again, louder, as pain stabbed little, sharp fingers through my ankle. Trying not to cry like the two year old I was acting, I hobbled and stumbled my way back into bed.

_Maybe if I go back to sleep, when I wake up things will be better._

But when I woke up, things were not better.

My ankle looked like a surreal, red cantaloupe, my head throbbed, my throat burned with thirst and Bella was noisily stuffing items into cupboards and drawers.

"B-B..." I tried to croak out her name, but my mouth was so dry and sticky that it got caught in my throat. Instead, I tried to stand up. Mistake. My bad leg wobbled dangerously and I collapsed to the floor with a loud thump.

"Edward?" Bella's feet could be heard on the creaky floorboards by the door, and then she was there, and her hands were on mine and her hair was brushing against my arm and her eyes were concerned.

"I..." Like a fool, I sat there, wide-eyed, and croaked out something unintelligible, fully aware that I was only in a pair of sweat pants.

Why was it that I seemed to find that moments with Bella were usually shirtless ones?

Bella's motherly instincts came into full force then, and she hurried around, making my bed and getting me a drink and offering to call a doctor or my parents. She even offered to help lift mw into bed and under the covers, which I nearly laughed at. Her arms would probably snap in two.

"I'm seriously fine," I managed to croak out. "It's just the flu and a twisted ankle."

"Well, isn't there _something _I can do?" She let out her breath and her shoulders drooped. She obviously wanted desperately to help.

"Just... just stay here with me."

A few minutes later, we were curled up in bed with hot chocolates (extra marshmallows) and were watching whatever was on tv. Well, she might have been. I was more conscious of the fact that we were in bed together. She was so close...

"This is just like how it used to be," she sighed happily. "Like when we were eight, and I used to come over early on Saturday morning, and your mum would make us hot chocolate, and we'd get into bed and watch cartoons. I still can't believe how tolerant your mother was," she said.

I chuckled. "I still can't believe what a memory you have."

"It's probably one of my best childhood memories," she said quietly. Her tone was unreadable, but I sensed a change in it. "In fact, all my favourite childhood moments involved you."

"Really?" I asked, my voice heavy. "Name a few."

"My sixth birthday. You ate too much watermelon and threw up all over that girl...what was her name? Victoria something? Anyway, you were really pleased with yourself, because you secretly didn't like her, and I was really pleased because I secretly didn't either."

I nearly choked on the last mouthful of my drink. "I was really hoping you'd forgotten that," I laughed.

"And when you were getting a dollar a day to look after your neighbor's bird, and I came over and we accidentally let it out. Do you remember that one? We thought we were going to be put in jail, so we packed a bag and ran away for all of... what? An hour?" She laughed, and her happiness spread through me. "Also, when we were thirteen and I was going out with that jerk Mike. And he gave a Valentine card to Jessica Stanley and not me. So you knocked out his two front teeth and gave me a bunch of flowers," she smiled, resting her head on my chest. I carefully wrapped my arm around her and gave her a squeeze.

"And... the night after my mum died. When you climbed in through my window and you didn't try and make me sleep or talk, or tell me it would be ok. You just sat with me and let me cry. I think that was my favourite moment that we've shared."

I nodded quietly. "I think it's mine too. I was scared because I didn't know what I was meant to do or say. I didn't know how to help you. But I think I realised that I didn't need to do anything. Because you were doing all you needed to do, and I was helping just by being there."

She sniffled slightly. "You helped immensely. And I'll always be grateful that I was lucky enough to have you with me."

"I'll always be with you," I mumbled. "I love you."

With a sigh, she wiped at her tears. "I love you too. And I might ruin everything by saying it, but it has to be said. I love you in every way possible. You're my friend, and you're like a brother to me. But I want you as so much more," her voice broke and she buried her face under my arm.

I held her tighter, trying not to shout in an odd combination of joy and fear. "I feel exactly the same way, Bella. I love you more than any other person on this planet, and with more passion than anything else. I would give everything, anything, to you if you asked for it. But I'm not good for you. You're perfect, and you deserve more than me."


End file.
